Of Sweaters and Sandwiches
by Last Fading Smile
Summary: Shepard struggles with her fears of losing everything all over again, now that she has everything she wants. Takes place some weeks after the date at Apollo's and the rekindling of the romance. Edit: fixed some phrasing and typos.


"Do you ever think that maybe this is all pointless?"

"What, the war?"

"The war, the mission…" She looked up at him, eyes despondent. "Us."

He halted in his tracks as if he had hit a physical wall. She stopped as well and turned toward him, not frozen as he was, but squirming with nervous energy. She had been distant all day, quiet and unapproachable. He had reached for her hand as they walked the Presidium, and it had hung so limply in his that he had let go and dejectedly stuffed his hands into his pockets instead. Now he understood, but he didn't know what to say. He decided to just wait her out.

When he finally turned toward her, his face was mostly expressionless, but betrayed by cheerless, narrowed eyes.

"I just mean maybe it's a bad idea to get attached."

It was the wrong thing to say. He leaned back slightly, folding his arms across his chest. Head cocked to the side, he stared her down, the hurt in his eyes growing toward anger the longer she dallied. She knew she wasn't always the most eloquent speaker; too direct, too abrupt. It was a side effect of growing on the streets, where words accounted for little and diplomacy was a lost art; where people were more inclined to trade bullets and bodies than they were pleasantries. She had built a career in the military around the idea that actions spoke louder, which is why she struggled so much now, when there was no clear action to take. She could headbutt a Krogan, but she was completely unable to express her personal thoughts without stumbling over her own brain. At least she knew enough about human relationships to figure headbutting Kaidan was probably the wrong move.

She was looking down, picking at her fingernails, or what was left of them. She always fidgeted with her hands when she was uneasy or unsure about something. He would watch her in the shuttle en route to dropzones, when she thought no one was looking, to gauge her apprehension level. If he saw that she was wringing her hands, or pulling at her fingers through her gloves, he would know that she was troubled, and would in response make an effort to be more alert on the field.

Watching her struggle like that _now_, in the relative quietude of the Presidium, when it was just the two of them, caused him to soften. He reached out and grabbed her hands, stilling them and forcing her eyes up.

"Hey. Just talk to me. What's this really about?"

She frowned uncertainly and then freed herself of his grasp, turning to lean on the railing. She could see the whole Presidium from here. Many stores had never reopened after the coup; some couldn't afford to repair or restock, others had already paid too high a price. Some, Shepard suspected, stayed closed due to some epiphanic reorganisation of priorities in light of the war. She could relate to the last.

Even in spite of all of the remaining damage, the eerie sense of calm remained. It was all so fake; a pretty imitation of normality. The faux sunlight was just a little too bright, the artificial sky just a little too blue, the people just a little too laissez-faire. It was hard not to get swept up in it though, to let her guard down and just unwind. As she scanned the landscape, she spotted Apollo's and smiled in spite of herself.

Kaidan joined her at the railing, propped up on his elbow to face her. He traced her gaze to the little café. "Yup, that sandwich was pretty great. That is what you're smiling about, right? The sandwich?"

She nudged him light-heartedly. "It was exactly what I wanted."

He reached out his free hand and tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering slightly on her neck. "So what's wrong? You don't want the sandwich anymore?"

"It's not that, at all. If anything, I want the sandwich too much."

"All right, just for my own peace of mind here: I _am_ the sandwich, right?"

Shepard laughed out loud; a real laugh, spontaneous and wonderful. She let it linger, he wringing out every drop of joy he could. She felt his hand come to rest on her back and move in slow, comforting circles.

"When I…woke up…I was completely lost."

Kaidan frowned as she went to a place he had not expected. "In the Cerberus lab, you mean?"

She nodded gravely. "When they told me I'd been dead for two years, I just…my brain, I couldn't even process it. I remembered everything like it had happened minutes ago. It was so surreal, Kaidan, I can't even describe it." She looked up, her eyes focussed on something only she could see. "I remembered heading up to the CIC. The door opened and…god, Kaidan, the entire hull was gone. All I could see was that enormous icy face of Alchera looming above me. It was…beautiful."

She blinked rapidly and shook her head, freeing herself from the memory. "I went to the cockpit and grabbed Joker and we headed for the pod, but the Collectors were coming back around. That weapon just cut right through the ship like it was nothing. I threw Joker toward the pod, and I tried to get there, but I got blown back. I hit the button, shut him in. I thought maybe I'd be okay. Somehow I'd be all right, because I _had_ to be. But I…just…started to float away…" Her face was stony. "Everyone thinks space is cold. It's not. It's just…empty."

"Hey, we don't have to talk about this…"

"You said that on Mars, your life flashed before your eyes?" she pressed. He wasn't sure if she was even really hearing him; she was lost in reverie.

He nodded.

She shook her head. "When I died, there was nothing. All those things people say – flashes, lights, warmth, calm, voices singing, whatever. There was none of that. The only lights I saw were the pinpoints in the dark as I slowly suffocated to death. All I could think about is you, how I was never going to see you, or touch you again. How you were going to move on, forget about me. I started to wish I'd left Joker to die and gotten into the escape pod. How sick is that? My dying wish was that someone else was dying instead of me."

He felt ill. She was giving voice to his nightmare, confirming every awful thought he had ever had as if he himself had willed it into life. He grabbed her and pulled her into a tight embrace, as much for his own comfort as hers. Her body began to shudder violently, and when the first of her hot tears fell against his neck, his heart broke for her. He wondered how long it had been since she had cried like this. Had she ever? Not in all the time he had known her. Or she just hadn't let him see it.

It was several minutes before she tried to pull away, and several more before he would allow her to. She stepped back, sniffling and wiping the last of her tears from her wet, flushed cheeks. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself as he continued to rub her arms reassuringly.

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll have your ass, Major."

"Understood, ma'am."

Shepard laughed quietly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for all of that to just…come out, like that." She cleared her throat and swallowed hard, saliva viscid with emotion. "The point is I didn't think I'd ever see you again. And in spite of everything that's happened, and everything that's going on, here you are, and here I am. And it feels so good. So _right, _so_ normal. _You used to be a part of my life that I had to hold back, keep secret. And now I think the best thing about the end of the world is the freedom to just say 'fuck it' and do whatever I want and not be ashamed of it. And the worst thing about it is that it's the end of the fucking world."

Kaidan laughed in spite of the seriousness of her sentiment. "Can I tell you something?"

"No, Kaidan, this is all about _me_," she teased.

He shook his head, still snickering. "Well, it's all related. Come on."

Alenko grabbed her hand and held it tightly, guiding her unhurriedly down the promenade. This time, she grasped back.

"I'm scared, Shepard," he admitted sombrely. "When I think about what's coming, I mean, how could I not be? And that…that's okay. You can be scared. I don't know what's going to happen, none of us do." He looked at her meaningfully. "But uncertainty doesn't mean that what happens now is unimportant."

Shepard smiled. She remembered, suddenly, Liara's words on Mars. _The Major has become quite capable_.

"When I think of Earth, it's not what's happening there right now that upsets me the most. It's the thought of all the things I'll never get a chance to do, you know? I wanted to take you home, meet my folks. Sit on that balcony overlooking the bay drinking beers with my dad. He would have loved you, by the way. He had a weakness for straight-talking soldier types; I guess we have more in common than I thought. My mom, she might be a harder sell."

"Why's that?"

"My mom is, uh…old fashioned? She doesn't believe in women joining the active military."

"But I'm a war hero! I defeated Saren, Sovereign, the Collectors…"

"Right. And unless you can bake me a cake and press my dress blues, you're under-qualified."

"It's cold in Canada. I could knit you a hat."

"First of all, I don't believe for a second that you knit. Second of all…make it a sweater and you might stand a chance."

They both laughed and he stopped walking, turning towards her.

"This is what keeps me going, Shepard. The idea that if we do win this war, there might still be time to have a 'normal' life with you. It'd be a lot easier to give in to despair. We could run away, sure, and maybe we'd live long enough to die of old age, but what kind of life would that be, really? Look, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's all going to be all right, because it won't. Things won't ever be the same again. But I'm not going to stop living now because I'm going to die later."

Kaidan reached a hand up and brushed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. There used to be a scar there, he remembered. Strange, he thought, that they had erased the scars, but the light smattering of freckles across her nose remained. Not that he was ungrateful for that. "I lost you once already and it just about broke me. I walked away from you before and I hated myself for months. You're crazy if you think that now that I finally have you back I'm just going to let _you_ walk away from _me_."

Shepard reddened, ashamed of her outburst. "When did you get so smart? You're not the brainless beefcake I ordered."

Kaidan shook his head, stifling a laugh. "It's the grey hair; it makes me seem more profound than I really am." He nodded over his shoulder, toward the crowded patio of Apollo's Café where he had deliberately led them. "So, what do you say? You want the sandwich?"

Shepard smiled ad she took his face in her hands, pulling him in for a tender kiss.

"Always."


End file.
